Are there dreams and fairytales? Are they innuendos to freudian thoughts?
Lately it has been, where the hell am I going? I know where I am, I know how i got here, but what's tomorrow or the next day.
I realized today that I am looking for a friend, a partner, a companion. Someone I consider an equal in the end, someone who will make up for my faults while I carry them through theirs. I am looking to finally settle down.
The thought of going and buying a house no longer scares me like it used to. The idea of having a family doesn't sound like a trap anymore, it sounds like it is past time to get going.
Part of my mind realized I was trying to buck that thought and presented me with a twisted view of it: In a dream my mom came to me and showed me a picture of a girl saying "I want you to fuck her until I get granbabies." Kind of a twisted wy to realize that part of me actually wants to have children.
The fear of being responsible for someone stopped somewhere and just left. Guess it happened around the time I got my cats, I have to take care of htem or they will not do so well locked up in my apartment. At the same time they bring a great amount of joy to my life while they are clawing my face demanding more food and affection.
So, the next step for me is actively looking for someone else who is ready to start going down this path, actually wanting to give trying a partnership a try and then move on to get married and have a life together.
I have an excellent life. I am well payed, well taken care of, self sufficient and like to go out and have fun all over the place from surfing in Hawaii to Skiiing near Mount Rainier. I enjoy hanging out iwth the guys having a beer after work now and then, or going to more social parties with wine and good cheese (like brie). So I have much to offer in a relationship and for once it means I am willing to share my emotions and the real me with someone else.
What is the real me? Just a man, a simple man with big dreams and simple means. I love a good book, a great discussion, a livid argument. It is part of life and all of it is welcome.
In the mean time until I find a partime lover and a fulltime friend, I am off to hit the gym.