Black Swan (Spoiler)

Fight club and American Psycho meets the Ballet. Or better put: Black Swan holds a promise of lesbian love affair to lure you in for a mind fuck that will leave you wondering if Tyler Durden had a sex change just so he could do Christian Bale.

Right of the bat: Natalie Portman's performance was wonderful. She captured a disturbed woman on the breaking point from crying to laughter to fear and back again without seeming forced ever. She captures a frail insecurity that looked so sincere I would have to guess she was drawing from her own personal experiences to be that authentic.

The entire movie is dark, gritty, and constantly drives home the point of instability. The never ending unstable camera angle. The colors are constantly at war with each other. Every scene seems to be chosen to bring out a specific mood. The fluffy pink bedroom to the black dressing room.

One aspect I thoroughly enjoyed of the film was how well they portrayed the breaking point of the main character. The character started out with high levels of stress and a constant portrayal of perfectionism. Then the stresses were added bit by bit, like a damn that is at its threshold.

First was the mother. Mommy dearest would be a better term for how she controlled and manipulated her daughters life and drive and caused for order. The main character was in her twenties and still being tucked into bed in a pink bedroom with stuffed animals and a music box. Mom represents the constant controlling aspect of her life, the super-ego of her psyche (for those Freudian fans).

Second was the Director. He was the start of her transformation and downfall. He picked her to be the Swan Queen; her life's dream or the dream her mom (former ballerina) pushed upon her life. The director is just that in her life and her psyche, a temptation, a driving force, something to achieve and get. Almost like trying to please a demanding father figure (her father is lacking in the movie with no explanation).

Third was Mila Kunis. Mila was the new upstart to the company, the one challenging Nina (main character) to relax. Mila was the perfect representation of the id and the demand to fulfill the now. Mila helps Natalie undo her uptight nature and this is when the dams cracks start to really show up. From this point on in the movie it is a nonstop crushing twist of uncertainty and hallucinations.

To put in a quick summation (and will fail): Natalie Portman portrays a woman who's never ending perfectionism forced by her mother drives her over the edge with the cracks in her own psyche eventually tearing her to pieces all to fulfill her mother's dream for her to be a great ballerina. This under-riding current of desire to become the perfect Swan Queen and embody both aspects the White Swan and the Black Swan drives Natalie's character so far beyond her safe boundaries that the only way she can become what she desires or what her mom desires for her is to forgo all preconceptions she has. This dichotomy in her mind is a constant of two warring factions demanding control and the victim is both of them in the end. The only victors in this scenario are the audience for whom she performed the perfect play and the audience in the theater who went along for the ride.

This movie is extremely enjoyable and I plan on buying it on DVD when it comes out.

What do you think about when you close your eyes at night?

Are there dreams and fairytales? Are they innuendos to freudian thoughts?

Lately it has been, where the hell am I going? I know where I am, I know how i got here, but what's tomorrow or the next day.

I realized today that I am looking for a friend, a partner, a companion. Someone I consider an equal in the end, someone who will make up for my faults while I carry them through theirs. I am looking to finally settle down.

The thought of going and buying a house no longer scares me like it used to. The idea of having a family doesn't sound like a trap anymore, it sounds like it is past time to get going.

Part of my mind realized I was trying to buck that thought and presented me with a twisted view of it: In a dream my mom came to me and showed me a picture of a girl saying "I want you to fuck her until I get granbabies." Kind of a twisted wy to realize that part of me actually wants to have children.

The fear of being responsible for someone stopped somewhere and just left. Guess it happened around the time I got my cats, I have to take care of htem or they will not do so well locked up in my apartment. At the same time they bring a great amount of joy to my life while they are clawing my face demanding more food and affection.

So, the next step for me is actively looking for someone else who is ready to start going down this path, actually wanting to give trying a partnership a try and then move on to get married and have a life together.

I have an excellent life. I am well payed, well taken care of, self sufficient and like to go out and have fun all over the place from surfing in Hawaii to Skiiing near Mount Rainier. I enjoy hanging out iwth the guys having a beer after work now and then, or going to more social parties with wine and good cheese (like brie). So I have much to offer in a relationship and for once it means I am willing to share my emotions and the real me with someone else.

What is the real me? Just a man, a simple man with big dreams and simple means. I love a good book, a great discussion, a livid argument. It is part of life and all of it is welcome.

In the mean time until I find a partime lover and a fulltime friend, I am off to hit the gym.