Sunday, March 15, 2009

Start of a Story

I apologize now for the lack in updating this blog over the past few months. But, was still getting the idea of what it means to work for the Evil Empire.

First was the standard issue Storm Trooper training program. As Microsoft calls it, New Employee Orientation or NEO for short. So, right off the bat I'm confused... am I supposed to shoot and intentionally miss the good guys or am I now supposed to be some sort of programming virtual reality super hero bent on destroying the Evil Empire? Gah...

Second, I'm now in the Seattle, WA are of the world. The great pacific northwest... Or for the rest of the people... Rain Central. No, Rain Central would be giving this place a friggen upgrade on what it really is. It's like a 6 days on 1 day off experiment in Drizzle with a spattering of something else. The Something else could be snow, sleet, black ice (temperature dropping for all of 2 days) or my personal favorite sun. Glorious beautiful Sun. Not that I get to appreciate it that much as my office is located on the inside of the building without so much as a clear line of sight to the wonderful vitamin D giving-hydrogen burning great orb of warmth.

Third, Seattle drivers... aren't. Anyone who has driven on or even remotely around the East Coast has come to understand there are a few things you do... one of them is drive at a reasonable rate weather permitting. Now this may not seem like much but for anyone out there with have a brain and a bit of Physics lessons knows... Speed limit is 60 down hill... DON'T USE THE BRAKE!!!! Neutral is your friend. But, that's not all... They have a few other things that are mysterious... Drivers out here are courteous to a fault. Now how is that possible? You are driving, want to get over a lane, throw on your blinker and slow down a little to pull in to the nice big space behind the guy currently in the lane. Oh, what's that? He Saw your blinker?!?! The nice person was kind enough to cause a traffic jam just to let you over... and put a mildly large bald spot on his tires. All the while you as a nice east coast driver are considering what drugs they have introduced in the water.

Fourth, Still on driving. Now there is a stereotype out there about Asian drivers, just like white boys and not being able to dance. I don't put stock in stereotypes normally... until it is warranted. Now for those of you whom have driven in the great state of Indiana, you understand what it means to see someone with the license plate of "In God We Trust." and justly give them ample room to cause their own catastrophe of the day. Asian Women drivers out here are easily spotted under the following two circumstances: 1.) a car decides to pull a U-turn at an intersection and can't make it, so it backs ALL-THE--WAY into the intersection blocking ALL--TRAFFIC! to complete the said U-turn... and 2.) Parking... they somehow fail at the turning of steering wheels. Now, before I continue to make more of an of myself, I challenge you to come out here drive for a friggen week and not come to this conclusion.

Fifth, oh yeah I should get past my first week of this place. 8 weeks in and I still have yet to scratch the surface. Oh, so back to work. Having been fully indoctrinated into the Empire and working on crushing the rebels, I get settled into my job at MacBU (Macintosh Business Unit). Oh son of a ... even more confusing. So am I a rebel or am I a storm trooper? I feel like friggen Lando here. Well my boss is a bit of an eccentric. And for all who know me that is a statement of dire consequence (similar to Gandhi saying someone is too much of a pacifist). He wears sandals and shorts and a rugby shirt everyday to work. Now before you think that he has to have a limited supply of said items... I've seen him rewear the same rugby shirt... ONCE! in the past two months.

Sixth, or whatever since the counting now is just for fun. I got a pretty amazing apartment out here, has a fireplace, two bedrooms, two full bathrooms, and a full place for doing laundry. Which is pretty sweet since I do laundry a lot according to some people (and to others not nearly enough... also known as HI MOM!). I absolutely love where I live and now just need to get my work in a organized fashion so I can come home and enjoy it a bit more.

Seventh, DRIVERS!

Eighth, <- is a really silly looking word. All single females looking to find a date need to come visit... seriously. I know about 20 eligible bachelors in my surrounding offices alone. Quick notes: you can not expect these men to be any of the following: sociable, able to hold a coherent conversation in the presence of a cute girl, and anything but your typical genius type personality. Yeah I work with smart guys who excelled at school. Also, they tend to be a bit on the single side.

Ninth layer of hell... DRIVERS! You don't cut across 3 lanes of traffic without a blinker and NOT expect an accident to occur!

Tenth, I'm still trying to figure out the best place to go see movies here and to get a good movie buddy. back home I would just go catch a flick with Shelley, but she decided that keeping her job and not becoming a trophy girlfriend out here to some microsoft geek wouldn't work out so well. Also, they sell wine in the supermarkets... but finding a decent liquor store is next to impossible... I haven't had rum, vodka, or any spirits since i got here (save for the one time I went to the bar and ordered a long island).

Eleventh, when driving downhill and the speed limit is 45... DO NOT USE YOUR BRAKE WHEN NO ONE IS IN FRONT OF YOU!

Twelfth, Seriously, sometimes I wish I won the lottery so I could ram people with my car and pay for the lawsuits.

Thirteenth, No I will not let you in because you decided to speed up in the lane of traffic that has a sign for lane ends for the past mile and try to cut in front of me. I will in fact show you that my digit can be arranged in such a fashion to show you which is the longest while the others are hidden. Which ironically happens to be the one in the middle. Yay for anatomy being cool like that.

Fourteenth, I happened to notice that I don't have ANY kitchen utensils and as such am actively buying items as I discover I need them to cook. Except I'm not cooking much here, work tends to keep me for ten to twelve hour days regularly now. mmm, fast food heart attacks here I come!

Fifteenth, Microsoft employees get this little yellow tag to hang around their rear view mirror. They also get to set their own hours for the most part. This normally means that their is a traffic jam from 8 am to Noon on any given day on the way to work. Why? Because they employ 90k people in the area...

Sixteenth, I don't know who is Darth Vader or who is Palpatine... but its a toss up between Steve Balmer and Bill Gates... I'm still deciding.

Seventeenth, I may need the fully paid health insurance soon when I go on a demolition derby and ram into every idiot who still have a license that wouldn't pass as a driver on the east coast.

Eighteenth, Best chinese food in the are is withing walking distance of my apartment, SCORE!

Last but not least, there is an Orange Julius at the mall. SCORE!

My final words... when you come to visit me out here... get a cab and close your eyes until you get to my apartment or your hotel.


Anonymous said...

W00t!!! I now know that I drive better than some people, even if I'm crunked! CAVIT AT THE CORNER STORE??!?!??

Eddie said...

After living here for a while and being taught how to drive from someone who didn't grow up in the area, you learn how to avoid and drive around the fuckin' morons on the roads here.

Just remember...
*Most people here are vaginas when they drive. So be aggressive
*Having a car that is faster than most other cars on the road is a must. That way you can pass the asshole in front of you on their cellphone when you get a chance.