I had forgotten what it was like to have the spark of magic in my life. It's back and it is wonderful :) Thanks to Portland Wizard Con for bringing that energy back into my life which had become rather hum-drum up to that point. TO ADVENTURES AND BEYOND!

Soon...

2011

My goals for this year:

1. Learn what it means to be me.

2. Learn how to play scales on the piano.

3. Teach a new student how to fight.

4. Get to 200lbs or less.

5. Show someone what it means to truly be in love.

See you as the year unfolds.

Black Swan (Spoiler)

Fight club and American Psycho meets the Ballet. Or better put: Black Swan holds a promise of lesbian love affair to lure you in for a mind fuck that will leave you wondering if Tyler Durden had a sex change just so he could do Christian Bale.

Right of the bat: Natalie Portman's performance was wonderful. She captured a disturbed woman on the breaking point from crying to laughter to fear and back again without seeming forced ever. She captures a frail insecurity that looked so sincere I would have to guess she was drawing from her own personal experiences to be that authentic.

The entire movie is dark, gritty, and constantly drives home the point of instability. The never ending unstable camera angle. The colors are constantly at war with each other. Every scene seems to be chosen to bring out a specific mood. The fluffy pink bedroom to the black dressing room.

One aspect I thoroughly enjoyed of the film was how well they portrayed the breaking point of the main character. The character started out with high levels of stress and a constant portrayal of perfectionism. Then the stresses were added bit by bit, like a damn that is at its threshold.

First was the mother. Mommy dearest would be a better term for how she controlled and manipulated her daughters life and drive and caused for order. The main character was in her twenties and still being tucked into bed in a pink bedroom with stuffed animals and a music box. Mom represents the constant controlling aspect of her life, the super-ego of her psyche (for those Freudian fans).

Second was the Director. He was the start of her transformation and downfall. He picked her to be the Swan Queen; her life's dream or the dream her mom (former ballerina) pushed upon her life. The director is just that in her life and her psyche, a temptation, a driving force, something to achieve and get. Almost like trying to please a demanding father figure (her father is lacking in the movie with no explanation).

Third was Mila Kunis. Mila was the new upstart to the company, the one challenging Nina (main character) to relax. Mila was the perfect representation of the id and the demand to fulfill the now. Mila helps Natalie undo her uptight nature and this is when the dams cracks start to really show up. From this point on in the movie it is a nonstop crushing twist of uncertainty and hallucinations.

To put in a quick summation (and will fail): Natalie Portman portrays a woman who's never ending perfectionism forced by her mother drives her over the edge with the cracks in her own psyche eventually tearing her to pieces all to fulfill her mother's dream for her to be a great ballerina. This under-riding current of desire to become the perfect Swan Queen and embody both aspects the White Swan and the Black Swan drives Natalie's character so far beyond her safe boundaries that the only way she can become what she desires or what her mom desires for her is to forgo all preconceptions she has. This dichotomy in her mind is a constant of two warring factions demanding control and the victim is both of them in the end. The only victors in this scenario are the audience for whom she performed the perfect play and the audience in the theater who went along for the ride.

This movie is extremely enjoyable and I plan on buying it on DVD when it comes out.

What do you think about when you close your eyes at night?

Are there dreams and fairytales? Are they innuendos to freudian thoughts?

Lately it has been, where the hell am I going? I know where I am, I know how i got here, but what's tomorrow or the next day.

I realized today that I am looking for a friend, a partner, a companion. Someone I consider an equal in the end, someone who will make up for my faults while I carry them through theirs. I am looking to finally settle down.

The thought of going and buying a house no longer scares me like it used to. The idea of having a family doesn't sound like a trap anymore, it sounds like it is past time to get going.

Part of my mind realized I was trying to buck that thought and presented me with a twisted view of it: In a dream my mom came to me and showed me a picture of a girl saying "I want you to fuck her until I get granbabies." Kind of a twisted wy to realize that part of me actually wants to have children.

The fear of being responsible for someone stopped somewhere and just left. Guess it happened around the time I got my cats, I have to take care of htem or they will not do so well locked up in my apartment. At the same time they bring a great amount of joy to my life while they are clawing my face demanding more food and affection.

So, the next step for me is actively looking for someone else who is ready to start going down this path, actually wanting to give trying a partnership a try and then move on to get married and have a life together.

I have an excellent life. I am well payed, well taken care of, self sufficient and like to go out and have fun all over the place from surfing in Hawaii to Skiiing near Mount Rainier. I enjoy hanging out iwth the guys having a beer after work now and then, or going to more social parties with wine and good cheese (like brie). So I have much to offer in a relationship and for once it means I am willing to share my emotions and the real me with someone else.

What is the real me? Just a man, a simple man with big dreams and simple means. I love a good book, a great discussion, a livid argument. It is part of life and all of it is welcome.

In the mean time until I find a partime lover and a fulltime friend, I am off to hit the gym.

Books, Movies, and Constant Themes

Surprise! It's been another few months since my last post. Guess that means I take my time in coming up with what could be misconstrued as a meaningful thought. Note: this is not a humorous post like previous one... One of those is on way soon (or in 3 months) but right now the humor muse isn't with me.

Some of the biggest proponents of stories that I've been reading/watching of late have involved a moral upbringing or a lesson. Well we figure that has been the way for ages but the way these ones keep falling in my lap makes me really start to wonder what would cause people to take this intrinsic step back. Well not really a step back but a step away from reality and open themselves up to the muses as the Greeks referred to it as. The author of "Live, Love, Pray" (or something like that) gave a Ted speech once and it was something of an inspiration on how she looked at it. She referred to the Greek Muses and how all truly sensational works of art are in actuality someone being guided by a Muse. She said that by distancing yourself from the source of genius and creativity you give yourself that buffer, so it is not some insane standard to live up to after you've created your greatest work of life.

So back to the topic of muses and people. This separation would almost seem to induce a belief in things magical, abstract, or undefinable. As the books and movies I've been watching keep pointing to it is not the goal of humanity to turn on itself but to save itself. What gets wonky about this whole thing, quite a few of them keep saying that blind faith will not save us but by being rational thinking people will we stand a chance of doing something great in life.

I would like to take that thought a step further. Each of us has a chance to think about and pursue a calling. Something that drives us in the morning and we might work forward in the course of the day, but maybe we are just not there. Some people answer their callings, but the fact these callings exist makes me ponder. Are we really in a world without magic? How can we not be in a world with even the essence of magic when our subconscious can keep guiding us to fulfill some unknown set of desires and circumstances. Some of us are driven to create and in that desire to create if we fail, artists have been known to kill themselves in their pursuit and failings.

I have a bit of a crazy imagination (relatively known fact if you know me). So, I often consider many what-if's in this state of mind. Like when I watch a movie or read a book I consider the abstract 'what-if they are right?'. I like to think we all do that in someway. One of the series of books i just finished put a hypothesis forward that we exist in another dimension cast away from our real dimension because of the followers of blind faith. The author even put in that's why all cultures have a tie in for magic, and especially why they all have a reference to dragons. Crazy thing to think about how all people on this planet evolved as they were in their own sub-realities have an idea of what a dragon is. It's a word that exists in all languages. I consider that to be almost friggen insane! but hey, reality is never what it seems to be.

Now for the craziest thoughts that go through my head to be given form of words:

What if our dreams are the true reality and only by going to sleep we enter the real truth of the universe temporarily?

Another oddball thought, playing on the idea of the second coming of Christ... what if it already happened? Seriously. What if it already happened, the 144,000 were already taken to heaven to be trained to purge all of the world and we are actually living in the darkness that followed? What if this life as we know it is in fact hell on earth? I'm sure every Emo and Goth teenager on the planet would say: "well duh. I'm going to cut myself now." Going a step further, what if the current Religions of the world that are preaching to be saved by the creator are in fact teaching a form of Satan worship, and that Satan tricked a majority of the world to blindly following him by just 'swapping roles' in the stories? The best part is about this question: A thinking person would go, possibility but it's abstract and can't be defined, but a blind faith person would do one of two things! The first would be to discredit the thought and rely on the blind faith again for answers, thus becoming an infinitely self feeding loop of nothing. Or, they would get upset/outraged/disbelieving in the sheer question and start to undermine the basis of the question, or in other words: attack. I keep thinking about American Christians in particular, why do they so blindly attack all of those who are unlike themselves... and in doing so have they not become the unwilling, and sometimes willing, harbingers of hatred and malice in this world? Seems almost insane to me that a religion based on PEACE and UNDERSTANDING can in fact be the basis of war, famine, injustice, and my favorite: hate crimes. If any religion is so pure as to not be undermined then why do they in fact have people who believe be able to commit evil? My crazy thought is that any religion that is truly pure in bringing enlightenment and peace should be able to purify the person from all forms of hatred and anger, it should encourage reason and understanding, and lastly it should be unable to be corrupted. Tied in thought: what if the pope is the anti-christ? And they keep electing a replacement once the previous one dies? Gah the insanity!!!

What if Tree's could talk? Would they yell at you for peeing on them?

Arg! all out of muse resources! Must hunt down those fairy things and keep them around! Side note: must research ghostbuster technology to be able to trap spectral entities for personal use.

Start of a Story

I apologize now for the lack in updating this blog over the past few months. But, was still getting the idea of what it means to work for the Evil Empire.

First was the standard issue Storm Trooper training program. As Microsoft calls it, New Employee Orientation or NEO for short. So, right off the bat I'm confused... am I supposed to shoot and intentionally miss the good guys or am I now supposed to be some sort of programming virtual reality super hero bent on destroying the Evil Empire? Gah...

Second, I'm now in the Seattle, WA are of the world. The great pacific northwest... Or for the rest of the people... Rain Central. No, Rain Central would be giving this place a friggen upgrade on what it really is. It's like a 6 days on 1 day off experiment in Drizzle with a spattering of something else. The Something else could be snow, sleet, black ice (temperature dropping for all of 2 days) or my personal favorite sun. Glorious beautiful Sun. Not that I get to appreciate it that much as my office is located on the inside of the building without so much as a clear line of sight to the wonderful vitamin D giving-hydrogen burning great orb of warmth.

Third, Seattle drivers... aren't. Anyone who has driven on or even remotely around the East Coast has come to understand there are a few things you do... one of them is drive at a reasonable rate weather permitting. Now this may not seem like much but for anyone out there with have a brain and a bit of Physics lessons knows... Speed limit is 60 down hill... DON'T USE THE BRAKE!!!! Neutral is your friend. But, that's not all... They have a few other things that are mysterious... Drivers out here are courteous to a fault. Now how is that possible? You are driving, want to get over a lane, throw on your blinker and slow down a little to pull in to the nice big space behind the guy currently in the lane. Oh, what's that? He Saw your blinker?!?! The nice person was kind enough to cause a traffic jam just to let you over... and put a mildly large bald spot on his tires. All the while you as a nice east coast driver are considering what drugs they have introduced in the water.

Fourth, Still on driving. Now there is a stereotype out there about Asian drivers, just like white boys and not being able to dance. I don't put stock in stereotypes normally... until it is warranted. Now for those of you whom have driven in the great state of Indiana, you understand what it means to see someone with the license plate of "In God We Trust." and justly give them ample room to cause their own catastrophe of the day. Asian Women drivers out here are easily spotted under the following two circumstances: 1.) a car decides to pull a U-turn at an intersection and can't make it, so it backs ALL-THE--WAY into the intersection blocking ALL--TRAFFIC! to complete the said U-turn... and 2.) Parking... they somehow fail at the turning of steering wheels. Now, before I continue to make more of an of myself, I challenge you to come out here drive for a friggen week and not come to this conclusion.

Fifth, oh yeah I should get past my first week of this place. 8 weeks in and I still have yet to scratch the surface. Oh, so back to work. Having been fully indoctrinated into the Empire and working on crushing the rebels, I get settled into my job at MacBU (Macintosh Business Unit). Oh son of a ... even more confusing. So am I a rebel or am I a storm trooper? I feel like friggen Lando here. Well my boss is a bit of an eccentric. And for all who know me that is a statement of dire consequence (similar to Gandhi saying someone is too much of a pacifist). He wears sandals and shorts and a rugby shirt everyday to work. Now before you think that he has to have a limited supply of said items... I've seen him rewear the same rugby shirt... ONCE! in the past two months.

Sixth, or whatever since the counting now is just for fun. I got a pretty amazing apartment out here, has a fireplace, two bedrooms, two full bathrooms, and a full place for doing laundry. Which is pretty sweet since I do laundry a lot according to some people (and to others not nearly enough... also known as HI MOM!). I absolutely love where I live and now just need to get my work in a organized fashion so I can come home and enjoy it a bit more.

Seventh, DRIVERS!

Eighth, <- is a really silly looking word. All single females looking to find a date need to come visit... seriously. I know about 20 eligible bachelors in my surrounding offices alone. Quick notes: you can not expect these men to be any of the following: sociable, able to hold a coherent conversation in the presence of a cute girl, and anything but your typical genius type personality. Yeah I work with smart guys who excelled at school. Also, they tend to be a bit on the single side.

Ninth layer of hell... DRIVERS! You don't cut across 3 lanes of traffic without a blinker and NOT expect an accident to occur!

Tenth, I'm still trying to figure out the best place to go see movies here and to get a good movie buddy. back home I would just go catch a flick with Shelley, but she decided that keeping her job and not becoming a trophy girlfriend out here to some microsoft geek wouldn't work out so well. Also, they sell wine in the supermarkets... but finding a decent liquor store is next to impossible... I haven't had rum, vodka, or any spirits since i got here (save for the one time I went to the bar and ordered a long island).

Eleventh, when driving downhill and the speed limit is 45... DO NOT USE YOUR BRAKE WHEN NO ONE IS IN FRONT OF YOU!

Twelfth, Seriously, sometimes I wish I won the lottery so I could ram people with my car and pay for the lawsuits.

Thirteenth, No I will not let you in because you decided to speed up in the lane of traffic that has a sign for lane ends for the past mile and try to cut in front of me. I will in fact show you that my digit can be arranged in such a fashion to show you which is the longest while the others are hidden. Which ironically happens to be the one in the middle. Yay for anatomy being cool like that.

Fourteenth, I happened to notice that I don't have ANY kitchen utensils and as such am actively buying items as I discover I need them to cook. Except I'm not cooking much here, work tends to keep me for ten to twelve hour days regularly now. mmm, fast food heart attacks here I come!

Fifteenth, Microsoft employees get this little yellow tag to hang around their rear view mirror. They also get to set their own hours for the most part. This normally means that their is a traffic jam from 8 am to Noon on any given day on the way to work. Why? Because they employ 90k people in the area...

Sixteenth, I don't know who is Darth Vader or who is Palpatine... but its a toss up between Steve Balmer and Bill Gates... I'm still deciding.

Seventeenth, I may need the fully paid health insurance soon when I go on a demolition derby and ram into every idiot who still have a license that wouldn't pass as a driver on the east coast.

Eighteenth, Best chinese food in the are is withing walking distance of my apartment, SCORE!

Last but not least, there is an Orange Julius at the mall. SCORE!

My final words... when you come to visit me out here... get a cab and close your eyes until you get to my apartment or your hotel.